Despite what I say about my parents to anyone I meet or anyone who reads this post, I love my parents unconditionally and I'll love them always. But there are just times where I want to scream and yell at them to get out of my life, and just slam the door at them, leave the house and be done with them once I cool down. I'm just not the kind of person who can do that.
I am a rather passive person, who once in a great while can explode. More often than not I get frustrated, and innocent people get caught in my little rampages. Usually I try to be clear of people when that happens, and usually apologize afterward if they are caught in the crossfire.
I must admit I really hate my passive nature when dealing with people. Part of it, is that I get tongue tied and can't express my opinion in words, and so it comes out wrong. It's because I say what I think (yes, I do edit myself before I speak, usually), but the words can't formulate right when I speak. Frustrating. I think it comes from my childhood because I didn't talk to a lot of people, so my mom did the talking for me. She didn't really force me to speak to strangers like when ordering food at restaurants. But let's be clear, it's only a partial reason. I was just a shy child to other people I didn't know. I didn't have the courage to speak with them directly.
Another part, probably, it's all speculation right now, was because my age to the rest of the family. The only person closest to my age is my sister, by fours years. Not to say I didn't have fun with my cousins, but I often was left out. I am the youngest cousin on both my dad's side and my mother's side of the family. On my Mom's side my youngest cousin is 29, and on my Dad's side 33 or 34. I'm 23, by the way. My oldest second cousin in 8 years old. So, I'm just stuck in the middle. Anyways, that's me being passive, unless you're one of my friends.
My problem now is stemming from my parents. Right now I am living with them, and have been living with for the past 6 months without a job. The situation is that I am waiting for one of my best friends to find a job here in Portland so that we can find an apartment together, but she lives in Eugene and currently has a job there, living an hour and half away. It's only problematic because I don't want to live with my parents, but my goal is to not have her to rush to find a job on my account. I am happy I have their support so I can stay at their house, and trust me they can't wait to get me out of the house either. It's a mutual agreement. I mean in the house my mom has her section on the downstairs and I have the other section to myself, so usually we are at peace. I take care of our small dog as my mom plays tennis during the day, otherwise, if I wasn't living there she would have to.
But let's face it, I am stressed from living there, not really having a place of my own where Mom doesn't butt in. Luckily, she ignores my room, but the fact is that I don't to spend my time in my room, so I'm downstairs during the day. This also means that I am forced to listen to the TV in the other room when she's home and can't enjoy the things I want to watch on my computer without the noise coming from the other room.
The only problem with my mother is when we do talk. More often than not we enjoy each others company and have many good conversations. It's when we don't is the problem. Our personalities clash because we are similar in maaany ways, much to my distaste. Our most recent argument was today. We had just watch episode 6 of The Tudors, and according to the DVD box episode 7 was supposed to be on the same disc as 4-6. I didn't know why 7 wasn't on the disc or how to access it if it was, so I came out with logical explanations which included a production error on the DVD covers and the episode is on the next disc. But according to mother it couldn't possibly be on the next disc because the DVD cover says it's on disc 2. Thus, accusing me that I thought she was lying because questioning anything = mom is lying. Bunch of BS. Not once did I think she was. The DVD cover was lying because the episode was on the next disc, and I got a lot of crap for trying to solve a problem. I love her, but she can be so narrow minded sometimes it just floors me.
And like always later after she yells at me I have a need to cry. Every fucking time she yells at me I cry. I don't know why. I mean I've always cried ever since I was little. My reaction to her yelling is crying whether I was mad at her or not for doing it. It just floors me. I can't stop. Something I should definitely see somebody about. It's not right. One day. When I can pay my own bills and I can pay for it without her noticing. Cus let me tell you, I don't want to be in my 40's and then have my Mom yell at me and I cry afterward
My dad, not much to say about him. I see him in the evenings, but don't worry, he is a pain in the ass. He doesn't yell, which I veeery grateful for, but he has a way of getting on my irritated side. The thing is that he'll do it on purpose. Mom still hasn't learned that he'll rile her up for the fun of it. *sigh* He's a pain, but I love him.
*whew* Glad to get that off my chest. Yeah, yeah, to everyone this just me complaining, but I feel better after typing it...mostly. But every time Mom yells at me for whatever reason I really want to complain to someone. Better to tell it to a stranger who doesn't know my Mom?
No comments:
New comments are not allowed.